Nail Polish Vengeance
by Lyriel
Summary: Havoc's hiding in a supply closet, Ed's on a murderous rampage. Sounds like the party last night was fun, huh? My first chapter-fic is finished!
1. 1

I thought this one up during an assembly. Boredom always gets me going.

See my profile for disclaimers. And can someone please tell me how to put breaks in between notes and the story?

Fury was out of paper. He headed to the supply closet. The supply closet, eving in East City HQ, was not a place where one was often surprised.

"Havoc, sir? What are you doing in here?"

"Shh!" Havoc whispered, glancing fearfully out the door. "He's… he's not here, is he?"

"Who?" Fury asked.

"Ed. Is he here?" Havoc lit a cigarette with shaking hands.

"Uh… no, I haven't seen him today. Why?"

"Well, you know that party last night?" He continued when Fury nodded. "You left early, so you weren't there for it, but there was kinda this bet, and I kinda lost, but I mean, it's not really my fault, right? It's not my fault the kid can't hold his liquor-"

"Havoc," Fury interrupted, "He's fifteen. How did he get hold of alcohol in the first place?"

"That's not important," Havoc said quickly. "Anyway, what's important is that… um… Ikindahadtoputmakeuponhim." He said the last bit in a rush, and it took Fury a moment to decipher it.

"You- you-" he gasped, "You're suicidal, you know that?"

Havoc nodded miserably.

It was silent for a moment.

"So… did you get pictures?" He asked.

Havoc nodded, and grinned. "Hughes was there, he was snapping shots like every two seconds. He promised to develop enough for anyone who wants 'em. I tell ya, all he needed was a dress."

"You couldn't get one?" The smaller man was trying hard not to laugh.

Havoc snorted. "What, you think I walk around with one? Hawkeye was the only woman there, and I don't think she even owns a dress."

Fury burst into giggles. "But she had makeup?"

Havoc smirked. "No way. That was courtesy of Roy's last girlfriend. She left her purse at his house."

"And… and… you had blush and eyeshadow and everything?"

The blond man looked very pleased with himself. "The works. Even had some red nail polish that matches his coat. I undid his braid, too, so his hair was all wavy."

Fury collapsed laughing.

There was a muffled WHUMP and the building shook.

"Uh oh." The color drained from Havoc's face. "I think he recovered from his hangover."

Fury sat up. "Would it be safer to stay in here or run?"

"Sh. He's yelling something."

They listened. "YOU GET OUT HERE RIGHT NOW! I KNOW IT WAS YOU, HAVOC, YOU BASTARD! GET OUT HERE SO I CAN HURT YOU! AND TELL ME HOW TO GET THIS FUCKING NAIL POLISH OFF!"  
They glanced at each other. "Run," Fury suggested.

Havoc did.


	2. 2

Thanks to all the people who reviewed and asked for another chapter! This is the first real chapter fic I've done, instead of just drabbles. I hope I live up to your expectations!

* * *

Edward Elric chuckled menacingly. The world was about to learn why it was a bad idea to humiliate the Fullmetal Alchemist. He clapped.

A flicker of Alchemical light brightened the dark building, and Ed crept away into the night.

Ed sauntered into Headquarters the next morning, whistling. He nodded a greeting to Hawkeye and went to check on his trap.

"Breda?" he exclaimed at the person hung upside down in Havoc's office, wrapped in bright pink ribbons and covered in glitter.

"MMF!" Breda responded, through the ribbon covering his mouth.

Ed stomped back down the hall, leaving the poor man whimpering behind him.

"Where is that bastard?" he growled to Hawkeye.

She raised an eyebrow. "The Colonel is in his office."

"Not that bastard, the other one."

"Ah. Havoc hasn't come in today. The last time I saw him, he was asking about the best material to build a bomb shelter.

The blond alchemist started to turn, then looked back. "Hey… You're a girl. How do I get nail polish off?"

"They sell remover at most cosmetic shops," she replied.

He grumbled. "Hell if I'm going in a makeup store."

Ed wandered aimlessly through the halls, wondering what to do next. He couldn't slowly kill Havoc until he found him. He couldn't ask Roy for help, the Colonel would probably just laugh at his predicament. Hughes was out of the question, too.

He was thinking so hard, he didn't notice the other person coming around the corner until it was too late.

"Ow!" He said as they collided, papers scattering from the other man's hands. Then he smiled. "Why, hello, Fury. Fancy meeting you here."

Cain Fury gulped.

Ed was happy. Everything would soon be right with his world again. It had been so easy to get Fury to tell him where Havoc was hiding. He should have thought to look in the supply closet.

He smirked maliciously, highly reminiscent of Roy for a moment, and knocked on the door.

"Fury?" Havoc's voice called, tentatively. "That you?"

"Come out, come out, wherever you are," Ed sang. He cracked open the door and peered in. "Well, well. Lookie who I found."

Havoc nearly wet his pants.

Ed kicked the door the rest of the way open.

Havoc started praying for mercy, his life flashing before his eyes.

A wrench flew out of nowhere and knocked Ed unconscious.

"Oh, Ed, if you'd come home more often I wouldn't have to resort to stuff like this." Winry whined, hauling him off. Or trying to, rather. It's rather difficult to do much of anything with a soldier clinging to your waist, crying and swearing that he owed you his life.

Ed groaned, starting to wake up.

Havoc, much to Winry's surprise, promptly vanished.

"Oww… did you really have to hit me that hard?"

"Oh, be quiet, you big baby. Now hold still so I can get a good look at your auto-" She fell silent. Ed looked at her in concern. Normally nothing could make her stop talking about her precious automail.

"What?" he queried.

"Ed," Winry snarled. "What is this?"  
Ed glanced at his automail hand and paled. "Uh… I, uh…" He suddenly felt much like Havoc must have, back in the closet.

"HE PAINTED /BOTH/ MY HANDS?"

* * *

So... what thinketh thou? Should Ed get his revenge? Or should I be nice to poor Havoc?


	3. 3

I am feeling very creative... this is my third update today!

* * *

Ed stomped in the door, glowering. It had been a terrible couple of days. First the hangover and the makeup, then the nail polish wouldn't come off, then he'd been thwarted in his attempt at righteous vengeance/then/ he'd been knocked unconscious by a wrench, and after all that, he'd gotten mauled by Winry for getting polish on his automail! 

And today was no better. Already he'd tripped over a rock and landed face-first in the dirt. He growled menacingly. Anyone who got too close to him today- he stopped. Not only was no one close to him, no one seemed to be anywhere.

He checked Roy's office. Empty. Hawkeye was nowhere to be seen. Had a holiday been declared and he didn't notice?

He noticed a light on in Havoc's office. He was somewhat suspicious, but curiosity got the better of him and he opened the door.

"Surprise!" everyone yelled. Everyone except Havoc, who was trying in vain to wriggle his way out of the ropes he was tied up with.

Ed gaped. "Wh…what… why?"

Roy came forward and patted his shoulder. "Just think of it as a reward for being a loyal dog of the military."

"He didn't want you blowing up the building," Hawkeye translated. Roy ignored her.

"Or torturing more innocent bystanders," Breda muttered.

Hawkeye added, "This grudge has also disrupted everyone's work. The sooner you get your revenge, the sooner everyone can finish their paperwork without fear of a localized armageddon."

She had a point there, Ed had to admit.

Roy started talking again. "There are a few rules, however. Please do not kill, cripple, maim, disable, seriously harm-" Havoc was wincing at every word, but looking slightly relieved. "-or otherwise physically torture him. It's too much paperwork, and he is somewhat useful at times."

Havoc turned a baleful glare on him. Then he looked pleadingly at Fury, who was standing by looking mildly horrified.

"Come on, everyone," Roy announced. "Let's let him work in peace. There're supplies in the corner, Fullmetal." Everyone left, though they had to drag Fury out with them.

Ed, alone with his victim, flashed a toothy grin and started digging through the pile of 'supplies'. "Hmm… hair dye, lime jello… lime jello? Weird. Ooh! What a pretty dress!" He turned to the cowering sniper. "And I think it's just your size, too…"

* * *

"Um, it's been awfully quiet in there," Fury said, a while later. 

"Good," Roy replied. "The screaming was starting to get annoying."

"Shouldn't we check on him, sir? I mean, he could be in trouble."

The colonel smirked. "He was in trouble since he took that bet. At least this way, he won't be in serious pain. A little public humiliation never hurt anyone."

Fury wasn't so sure.

* * *

Whee! Thanks to Kori hime, Anime Monster, Safire Flame, and others for being such faithful reviewers! And special thanks to my friend Courtney for putting up with my shoving fics at her to proofread! 

...I think I've had enough caffeine now...(passes out)

(wakes up) Anyone have any ideas for Havoc's punishment? I've got a few ideas, but suggestions always help!


	4. 4

At long, long last: the final chapter. Sorry about the wait...

* * *

He'd made it. Escape. Freedom.

Havoc lay in the supply room panting. /Somehow/ he'd managed to get away when Ed turned his back for too long. Still, the damage had been done. He sat up, shedding glitter everywhere and trying to ignore the horrible squishy feeling in his boxers. Ugh, lime jello was the absolute last thing he needed in there. At least Ed had let him keep his boxers. His uniform was somewhere back there still, and he was currently clad in a sky-blue dress with lots of lace and ruffles.

He groaned aloud and ran his hands through his now neon-pink hair, knocking loose still more glitter. God, how much had that kid used?

He had a minor coronary when the door opened suddenly. "Fury… don't scare me like that!" He tried to hide as much of the dress as he could. It wasn't working.

Fury giggled a bit. "Don't worry, I don't think he's mad anymore. I think it was just a pride thing."

Havoc looked morosely at his baby-blue, glitter-encrusted fingernails. "What about my pride? I tell you, Hughes is far too handy with that damn camera of his." He shifted a bit and grimaced as he felt glitter trickle down his back to mingle with the lime goop. "That's it. This dress is coming /off/."

Fury blushed madly as Havoc pulled it off, glitter flying everywhere. Then the brunette's eyes widened. "Um…uh…" he stammered, pointing at Havoc's chest.

"What?" Havoc looked down. **I ♥ Cain **had been written on his chest in bold black marker. "What! When did that happen?"

He rubbed at it to no avail, and finally settled for slouching in the corner, knocking his head against the wall. "Shouldn't have made the bet… Shouldn't have made the bet… Shouldn't have-"

"That reminds me… I never did hear what the bet was," Fury interrupted.

Havoc looked at him. "Do you really want to know?"

"Yes, why? Was it… indecent?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Kinda depends on your definition of 'indecent'. The bet itself wasn't really…"

"Oh…" Fury was too curious. "Tell me anyway."

"Well, remember how I said the kid was drunk?"

"Yes."

"That part really wasn't my fault, I swear. Someone (coughRoycough) spiked the punch. I said something about how 'I bet the kid's dead drunk by the end of the night'…"

"You were right about that part, weren't you?" Fury smiled.

"Yeah. But Roy hasn't done his part of that one yet…I'll explain it later." The smaller man looked morbidly curious. "Anyway. Roy bet he wouldn't be. We went on a bit, bragging and such, and he said something to the effect that he was utterly irresistible to anything on two legs, and I said I bet the kid wouldn't kiss him."

Fury gaped. "And… and he /did?"

Havoc nodded. "The bastard got that annoying smirk he always gets when he knows he's right, walked over and said something, and boom. The kid practically jumps him."

Fury's jaw dropped. "And after that…?"

"After that…" Havoc's cheeks turned pink. "We, uh, thought it would be best if we gave them some privacy."

"Ah." Fury changed the subject. "So what was Roy's consequence? For losing the other bet?"

"Two words: platform heels." Havoc grinned.

"He's as suicidal as you are. Am I the only sane one in the city?"

"Aw, but insanity is fun!" the blond man protested.

"Maybe if you like lime jello in your pants," Fury pointed out.

Havoc made a face. "You think you could find me something to wear? I just need something decent so I can get home and into the shower."

"I can try…" He left, and returned in a few minutes with a spare uniform. "Do you know how long that hair dye's going to last? I overheard Roy saying he'd suspend regulations for it."

"I think Ed said… six weeks?" Havoc pulled the clean clothes on.

"Six weeks! Six weeks of pink hair?" Fury couldn't believe it.

"Hey, I got off light. Do you know what his original plan for the jello was?"

"Do I want to know?"

Havoc leaned close and whispered in his ear.

Fury looked sick. "/Lick/ it off /Breda?"

"Like I said, I got off light. Then Hughes got in, and Ed was distracted, and I ran for it."

"At least you're safe now."

"Yup. I solemnly swear to do nothing that will provoke his wrath again…for at least a week. I dub thee my conscience."

"Wait… I'm your conscience?"

"Yeah. If I do something stupid, it's your job to stop me." He grinned and moved a bit closer. Fury looked uncomfortable, but didn't move away.

"Sounds like a full-time job."

"Hey!"

They were interrupted by a nearby explosion, followed by Ed ranting about Roy and where he was going to stick the platform shoes.

The two in the closet glanced at each other. "Sounds like Roy came through on his part of the bet."

"I'm not moving this time," Havoc said. "It's too dangerous out there." He looked thoughtful for a moment. "And while everyone else is preoccupied…"

Fury squeaked when Havoc grabbed him around the waist.

"You're not moving, either."

* * *

Fin.

Much thanks to Gerbil-chan for proofreading, and to Rill for ideas about the jello! (Actually, the original suggestion called for a jello enema, but I'm not that cruel.)

And many thanks to everyone who sent in torture ideas! Heehee.


End file.
